Thursday, May 26, 2011
"society at large encourages this kind of self-blame. In our health-obsessed, live-forever world, it's assumed that good health and long life are within everyone's control. If you're sick, it's your own fault; your lifestyle, your genes, your fault. This quickness to judge is fueled by a longing for power and safety. Even more than we want to know "why" disease happens, we want to make sure it doesn't happen to us; and the more we can blame the victim for his own ills, the safer we are."
"Not everything that happens to us is a measure of our character or will; sometimes an event is just a matter of luck. Tolerance, forgiveness, and acceptance are attitudes that help us face whatever chance throws our way."
* * *
I've had doctors tell me that I have to be lying about my health habits -- impossible to be this sick if I live that healthy. How about the concept that I'm not even sicker because I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, eat fast food, etc.?
I've had friends assert that the reason I can't find a good man is my fault. They can't tell me what I'm doing wrong, just know that it must be something I'm doing wrong.
Fortunately, when I first became "single again" I shared an office with a close male friend. Due to proximity, he couldn't help but eavesdrop on phone calls, and was as puzzled as I was. One day I had a blind date and had asked the guy to call as he left his office to make sure nothing "hit the fan" that would prevent me from getting to the date. While I was on the phone, D gave me thumbs up. When I hung up, he said "perfect! Enthusiastic and encouraging, he surely can't wait to meet you." Well, apparently he could -- my date never even said Hello to me. I was back to the office to collect my stuff in 15 minutes. D couldn't believe it.
Since the last interaction I'd had with my date was so good, neither of us could figure out what the problem was ... other than perhaps the reality of what walked into the restaurant didn't match his hooker-fantasy dream girl. I only wore a C cup and he was looking for a set of XXXs, perhaps? But that's his hang-up, not something wrong with me and my approach.
Eventually I realized the problem: I don't want a man who's merely separated. I want one who's fully divorced, and the good ones get snapped up before then. The ones who are still unclaimed by the time the divorce is final are the ones no one else wants, either. But that's not something that can be blamed on me.