Thursday, May 26, 2011

Why Me?

"society at large encourages this kind of self-blame.  In our health-obsessed, live-forever world, it's assumed that good health and long life are within everyone's control.  If you're sick, it's your own fault; your lifestyle, your genes, your fault.  This quickness to judge is fueled by a longing for power and safety.  Even more than we want to know "why" disease happens, we want to make sure it doesn't happen to us; and the more we can blame the victim for his own ills, the safer we are."
"Not everything that happens to us is a measure of our character or will; sometimes an event is just a matter of luck.  Tolerance, forgiveness, and acceptance are attitudes that help us face whatever chance throws our way." 
* * *
I've had doctors tell me that I have to be lying about my health habits -- impossible to be this sick if I live that healthy.  How about the concept that I'm not even sicker because I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, eat fast food, etc.?
I've had friends assert that the reason I can't find a good man is my fault.  They can't tell me what I'm doing wrong, just know that it must be something I'm doing wrong. 
Fortunately, when I first became "single again" I shared an office with a close male friend.  Due to proximity, he couldn't help but eavesdrop on phone calls, and was as puzzled as I was.  One day I had a blind date and had asked the guy to call as he left his office to make sure nothing "hit the fan" that would prevent me from getting to the date.  While I was on the phone, D gave me thumbs up.  When I hung up, he said "perfect!  Enthusiastic and encouraging, he surely can't wait to meet you."  Well, apparently he could -- my date never even said Hello to me.  I was back to the office to collect my stuff in 15 minutes.  D couldn't believe it. 
Since the last interaction I'd had with my date was so good, neither of us could figure out what the problem was ... other than perhaps the reality of what walked into the restaurant didn't match his hooker-fantasy dream girl.  I only wore a C cup and he was looking for a set of XXXs, perhaps?  But that's his hang-up, not something wrong with me and my approach.
Eventually I realized the problem: I don't want a man who's merely separated.  I want one who's fully divorced, and the good ones get snapped up before then.  The ones who are still unclaimed by the time the divorce is final are the ones no one else wants, either.  But that's not something that can be blamed on me.


Katie said...

Don't you (as others surely do) find it a bit curious that NOTHING - from doctor's perceptions of you to dating - is ever "your fault"? You may want to take a step back and try to view things from a new angle. Might help you in many areas of your discontentment.

CFS Facts said...

When a doctor is given written medical records that state my diagnosis, and he chooses to state "no doctor has ever given this diagnosis", it is not my fault.

When a doctor asks me to fill out a form before an appointment and then does not read the medical history on it, it is not my fault that he wants to do something that my allergies/diagnoses say he shouldn't.

My LAWYER reviewed every page of the medical records and concluded that the number of lies in there was evidence that the doctors had it in for me.

Another DOCTOR asked if the first bunch were trying to kill me by prescribing something I've had bad reactions to in the past.

So, no, it's not merely MY opinion that things happen that are not my fault. A doctor who read the form he insisted I had to fill out and return a week before the appointment would've known what was on it, not tried to defend himself after the fact with "she didn't tell me." Yes, she did, and it's right there in black and white.

CFS Facts said...

Read the first line, Katie: Society encourages self-blame.

It's gotten to the point that no one wants to believe anything is an accident any more. When I am sitting in the passenger seat of a car which is not moving and the car gets hit, the only way I'm to blame for that is that I didn't stay home that day. In no way am I responsible for causing the accident, though there are plenty of people who will try to lay the blame on me for having my hands and feet precisely where the car designer intended them to be, and thus, in harm's way when an inattentive driver hits the car at precisely that spot.

I am perfectly willing to accept the blame for things I had control over, but when I've done everything right, I won't beat myself up. In the blind-date situation described, I got the OK from a man that the final phone call was done perfectly; nothing I had done wrong except not look like a porn star when I walked into the restaurant.

CFS Facts said...

I have challenged many people to tell me what they had observed that made it my fault. They couldn't identify anything specific, but nonetheless "knew" it was my fault.

Being the logic-driven type I am, I kept asking for facts, specifics, actual observations, not just accusations. And the only response she could give was "you must be doing something wrong".

When someone takes me aside and says "you really shouldn't do This", I will take their advice. But as long as the only comment I've received from a man is "you did everything perfectly, I don't understand why you had a problem", I'm not copping to doing anything wrong.

So, Katie, based on your personal observations of my interactions with doctors and potential dates, what specifically did I do or say that was my fault? Or are you, like everyone else, just ass-u-me-ing that I "must" be doing something wrong because my life isn't a made-for-TV fairy tale?